I gave up making New Year’s Resolutions back when I was a child. I always had a comedy one prepared for my mum when she’d phone me on New Year’s Day to say hello, ask how my hangover was and then… what was my New Year’s Resolution.
Last year I didn’t get that phonecall and so didn’t make up a hilarious resolution. This year as we work our way through the myriad avenues of grief, I thought I would resurrect that tradition in case in the afterlife I don’t believe in, my mum’s subscribed to my blog’s RSS feed.
So, mum, this year, in 2012, I am going to learn to become a ninja.
I’ve looked up what that entails. I need to be prepared to take part in espionage, sabotage, infiltration, and assassination, as well as open combat in certain situations. Which is fine. I just need to become au fait with mercenary murder, feudal Japanese customs and being slick with the ol infiltration so I can spy, sabotage and kill. There’s no honour in this. Only money. I’ve resolved to become a henchman. A gun for hire. Like the opposite of the A Team. Because there aren’t many recorded popular culture examples of ninjas being used for good.
Two. Less Swearing
I realised that swearing had lost all impact in my life towards the end of last year when I told my dad I thought someone was a massive c*nt and then had to apologise to him for such horrendous language, explained over Twitter exactly what a douche nozzle was to the Books Editor of the Guardian and told a nephew to go fuck himself in jest during a boardgame. I was bantering. He was 10. He still is 10. That’s probably not acceptable. So, one thing my friends, family and mum in the afterlife catching up on her RSS feed can all look forward to in 2012: less swearing from me.
I’ve written a book and an ebook and a TV pilot and there’s the danger now that I fall out of love with writing, as I have to do it more and more and have to better what I’ve produced before. So, the thing I must look forward to is writing. I’ve never been one of those liar writers who go on about the compulsion to write. Writing’s fun and it entertains you as the writer and ultimately the reader as the reader, even if that entertainment is difficult or literary or poncey or worthy or experimental, it’s still meant to elicit some sort of fun and satisfaction. So as I work on a second novel and more scripts and hopefully other new projects, I will ensure I look forward to writing.
New book from Zadie Smith? YES. The films version of Shame and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close? Yes. Comic book film nirvana with The Dark Knight Rises, Avengers and Spider-man? YES. And other stuff? YES. Physical release of Riz MC’s awesome MICroscope? Yes. Himanshu from Das Racist’s solo mixtape? Yes. So much stuff. Stuff to read and watch and hear and engage with and consume.
It’s coming. 2011 saw occupations, riots and activism on a RISE. So, something’s coming this year. We can all feel it.